A stitch in time

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Happiness overcast

I fell asleep last night thinking how lucky I was yet at the same time I silently cried myself to sleep. It's difficult to be happy when there is a big shadow looming over that happiness.

This past weekend it was decided that I would hand my notice in on my flat within the next month and officially move in with the father of my baby, we spoke about the babies room (it's currently blue) and that it could be left blue if we have a girl it would just need lots of girly accessories added. We did some spring cleaning together and laughed and fooled around as we did, it's like we've always been together.

Then speaking to mum yesterday she was feeling ill and sounding as though she has given up. Normally when I speak about the birth she's so positive that she will be about to see it, yet last night it was "if I'm well enough".

It really is a thought that I can not deal with but at the same time I can not block, the thought that I will be giving birth to her grandchild yet she hasn't been able to fight the cancer long enough to see it.

Today I am home with her and she has been in bed with me only spending an hour with her, the coughing makes me cringe, the phlegm makes me gag and looking at her hurts so much as she does not look like my mum anymore.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Age and relationships

I was told when I first got with my new fella that "he's an old man, why would an old man want to be with a young woman like you?" this from my ex without him know that there was only 5 years difference between them.

Today I was left thinking about how my mother felt when I was 14 years old seeing someone who was 7 years older than me, well there's obvious reasons there anyway.

Something came up about a 21 year old with a 40 year old, I wondered how I would feel about my daughter at 21 being with someone 20 years older than her. Frankly I would be concerned. At 21 you still have a whole life of experiences ahead of you, yet someone 20 years older has been there and done that, therefore the chances of older holding the younger back are considerably larger.

At the same time someone in there 30's with an older partner is not so concerning, you expect them to be mature and have their life already planned and in full motion (not always the case but you get what I mean), they are their own person by their 30's.

I also think what I was thinking when I was 20, someone who was 40 is an old man, why would I want to go out with an old man?

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Anti-spam Post - Updated

Okay just a few days ago I posted about my blog being spammed, well this is my pay back post to past and future spammers.

I'll begin by explaining about spam bots; they are much like web crawlers, the bots we rely on to get our blogs on the search engines, spambots however collect email addresses for the spammers to send you unsolicited email, the main reason you show your email address as an image on your page rather than regular text.

Mister Linky tells me that if the Mister Linky widget is getting spammed it is most likely by a real person not by a bot as bots can't handle java script very well, that real person and their website/company has an email address.

So this post will be updated when I get spammed, it will contain a list of email address simply typed into the post for all spambots to read. The email addresses will be those of companies who think that by spamming us they will get business, now they can think again, because when they spam this blog they in turn will get spammed via email.

You should also note that your IP address is being recorded.

The list so far ...

Last update:

17th June 2007

24th August 2007

6th May 2008

17th May 2008

Sunday, 4 May 2008

Mum has cancer again

This past few weeks I realise how very lucky I am, a week ago Wednesday my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer having had a full mastectomy last year to remove a lump and a second operation a couple of months later to remove a second lump in the same place. Also going through both Chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

Since hearing the news I have been distraught and depressed, something she tells me will make my baby come out crying for now reason all the time, yes her sense of humour is still there.

My partner has been there for me all the time, on Friday he drove me to mums, meeting her for the first time and being wonderful by meeting my dad as well. He will cuddle me whilst I cry myself to sleep and calm me down when I get angry.

I guess many people reading this will say that that is how it should be, for me however this is the first time in my life I have been felt able to show vulnerability to this degree in front of anyone who is not close family, even then I'm often not able to show my feelings fully.