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I fell asleep last night thinking how lucky I was yet at the same time I silently cried myself to sleep. It's difficult to be happy when there is a big shadow looming over that happiness.
This past weekend it was decided that I would hand my notice in on my flat within the next month and officially move in with the father of my baby, we spoke about the babies room (it's currently blue) and that it could be left blue if we have a girl it would just need lots of girly accessories added. We did some spring cleaning together and laughed and fooled around as we did, it's like we've always been together.
Then speaking to mum yesterday she was feeling ill and sounding as though she has given up. Normally when I speak about the birth she's so positive that she will be about to see it, yet last night it was "if I'm well enough".
It really is a thought that I can not deal with but at the same time I can not block, the thought that I will be giving birth to her grandchild yet she hasn't been able to fight the cancer long enough to see it.
Today I am home with her and she has been in bed with me only spending an hour with her, the coughing makes me cringe, the phlegm makes me gag and looking at her hurts so much as she does not look like my mum anymore.
This past weekend it was decided that I would hand my notice in on my flat within the next month and officially move in with the father of my baby, we spoke about the babies room (it's currently blue) and that it could be left blue if we have a girl it would just need lots of girly accessories added. We did some spring cleaning together and laughed and fooled around as we did, it's like we've always been together.
Then speaking to mum yesterday she was feeling ill and sounding as though she has given up. Normally when I speak about the birth she's so positive that she will be about to see it, yet last night it was "if I'm well enough".
It really is a thought that I can not deal with but at the same time I can not block, the thought that I will be giving birth to her grandchild yet she hasn't been able to fight the cancer long enough to see it.
Today I am home with her and she has been in bed with me only spending an hour with her, the coughing makes me cringe, the phlegm makes me gag and looking at her hurts so much as she does not look like my mum anymore.
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